Infertility and Me

Monday, July 25, 2011
This was the last appt with our fertility clinic. Everything looks great! It's kind of sad, the people are just so caring and wonderful - I got so many hugs on the way out! I left all my extra meds with them. I am hoping they will help a mom to be that is struggling to afford the thousands in meds! I have to call and let them know what we are having and go back to visit.

Monday, July 18, 2011
Today we got the most fabulous surprise ever! I can't wait to tell people our wonderful news!

Friday, July 15, 2011
If I am pregnant I am 6 weeks today. But, I feel Heartbroken... I am so scared that I am not pregnant. I don't feel pregnant. I am just so overwhelmingly sad. I am not giving up - I pray all the time..... I am just not sure that I have a baby growing... My heart is hurting...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I am so scared. I don't feel pregnancy systems. Yes, here I am wishing for nautiousness, sore boobs, anything... My butt is killing me that's it! It's got huge hard sore red welts all over it from the shots. My stomach has tons of leftover adhesive from the patches and I'm gagging over the horse pills. I just want to be pregnant! I want to hold another precious love in my arms. I want a few of my children to grow up close in age. My heart is in torment, I keep telling God I believe in his odds, in his miracles because I know he works through my Dr's hands. But I know that there are also so many unanswered prayers. So many people that just want 1 baby, never mind their 4th. I just wish sometimes that getting pregnant was easier. I am a good mom. I try to do my best to raise my children to be good loving productive members of society. I love them beyond belief! So many people bring children into this world and don't even want them - it drives me crazy! My children are dreams, wishes, and answered prayers from heaven. I want my baby so bad, please help he/she to be growing and developing my heart hurts so much with love for him/her already...

Thursday, July 7, 2011
Today my beta was 927. What? I was so expecting to be pulled off meds and wait for a miscarriage. But now I am cautiously optimistic and I have an ultrasound on Monday, July 18th to see if we have a heartbeat. They said they see this happen often, most likely I was pregnant with twins and 1 didn't make it and that is why my # did not double. I remain cautiousl optimistic...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Today was not good. My beta only rose to 325. A chemical pregnancy - I am miscarring my babies... I have to go for another beta Thursday and then I will be pulled off meds to give my body a chance to miscarry fully. Then I have to continue blood test till my beta gets to 0. Then I have to have to wait another full month before trying again. Hoping for September. I am so incredible sad.... I just want to curl up in bed and just mope but I have my 3 boys (Thank God I have them) and they need me to be present. But oh it is so... hard!

Friday, July 1, 2011
Today was my 1st beta. It needed to be between 50 and 100 at 11 days. They tested mine at 10 days as it's a holiday weekend. It is 132! I am pregnant! I am so excited, so overwhelmed! But so cautious! Tuesday I go back for my 2nd beta. I need the 132 to double 2 times by Tuesday! Please oh please little babies please keep growing. I love you so very much!!!

Tuesday, June 21st
For the 3rd time I am pregnant with triplets. I feel sad and hopeful all at the same time. We transferred in 1 that was given a 66 percent chance, one that was given a 22 percent chance and 1 not really given a chance at all. I am so hopeful for miracles, I don't want to lose more babies. I love them all so much!

Monday, june 20th
Tomorrow is the day at 11:00 my babies are going back in my body! Mommy is coming to get you babies. I love you so much.

Saturday, June 18th
The lab just called. Out of the 7 eggs 5 have fertilized. Keep growing my babies. I love you and am taking more shots and pills to get my body ready for you.

Friday, June 17 th
Surgery went well. We got 7 eggs.
Tired and sore today.

Weds June 15th, 2011
Today was the day. All follicles over 12 so I just triggered a few minutes ago at 7:15. Surgery center Friday at 630am and surgery at 715 to retrieve the eggs from my follicles. I have been feeling awful. Nautious and very bloated from the large follicles. But I don't care, I just want to be pregnant and to hold another miracle baby! I am praying so hard for mature eggs, then fertilization, then 16 cells, then sticky embreyos, then to have a positive pregnancy test, then a 2nd positive, then an ultrasound with 1 or 2 beating hearts, then to carry a healthy baby or babies to 36 or 37 weeks, then to hold 2 beautiful babies a boy and a girl. Really I will take 1 or 2 boys or girls but in my dreams and prayers I pray for 1 boy and 1 girl. I pray for my prayers to be answered! Oh babies you are my wishes, my dreams, my prayers and I ache to hold you in my arms!

Monday June 13th
Today I have about 7 follicles on 1 side and 5 on the other. They are thinking possible retrieval on Friday. My follicle size can get to 22 before we need to get them out. The highest are at high 18s and we are trying to give the 5's some time to make it to 12. I am feeling like it's almost time. I have a lot of soreness on the left side. Blood draws are hard, they are having a hard time getting blood and my stomach is full of shot bruises. But it's all okay and worth it to get my precious baby(ies).

Monday June 6th
It started today - the shots...Oh my little babies waiting in heaven please choose us as your family. I am praying so hard for you to join our family! I love you already!

Friday, June 3
Today was Ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything is all clear... Shots start Monday and more pills added.

Thursday May 12, 2011
Today was the HSG. Alex and I met with Dana to get the protocol. Most of it's the same as last time. No blood thinners this time, only aspirin. After the scare with the bleeding with William he thinks it's best to discontinue that. I am happy about that as those shots burned and left nasty bruises but would gladly do again if it will get me my baby. He added Metformin 2x a day starting now to regulate my sugars and hopefully keep the gestational diabetes in check too. William came too and was oohed and ahhed over! They love to see their babies and happy outcomes! My ultrasound tech was there - she was there to see him 1st and show us his itty bitty heartbeat and was so excited to see him and gushed all over him.
After that we went to the surgery center. Alex and William stayed in the waiting room and I went back and got into the beautiful get up, hair in a net booties on and the beautiful gown :/ . I had some great nurses though and 1 of them stayed with me the whole time and let me squeeze her hand through the procedure. When Dr. C came in they said - she's back for another Dr. she has a 9 month old that's 1 of ours. He smiled and said well this time let's see if we can get you 2 :) . I love how wonderful they are and so compassionate and caring! And I love how they love the babies and are so proud of them!
HSG results - everything looks perfect no blockages everything clear and enough room to carry twins and my uterus still looks good after 2 c-sections. Whew!

May 10, 2011
I started birth control last Thursday and this Thursday I go meet with Dana to get my protocol (med chart list) and have the HSG x-ray done. I am excited to keep moving forward with this cycle. I am scared about the hsg. I have antibiotics to take Weds night as they insert a tube through your cervix and blow up a balloon and you can get an infection. They will get me a little numbing shot in my cervix so hoping the pain won't be too bad and I have to take 800mg of ibuprofin 1 hour before my appt. Alex is taking the day off to watch William - he will come to the protocol appt and then bring William home. He wanted to stay but I think it will be easier on William to come home rather than sit for a few hours.
I really want this to work. I really want another little baby to snuggle and complete our family!

May 3, 2011
I'm going to add our new infertility journey here... I want to be quieter about this one and not let everyone in on our journey, so unless someone clicks around on the pages this will be my secret blog for now...

So I've been wishing, and hoping and dreaming for a 4th little baby. Today was cycle day 3 and Alex and I both went to the fertility clinic for blood draws and to pick up birth control pills for me to start on Thursday. I go for my HSG procedure on the 12th. The ladies were wonderful to see - for such a stressful place (infertility Dr office) it is so warm and welcoming! They loved William and people were popping over to keep seeing "one of their babies". They thought he was beautiful and just loved his blue eyes and were excited that he would wave to them. I am a mixture of excitement and a feeling of wanting to quell that excitement because this might not work. I know without a doubt I want another baby but I also in a way feel guilty that I have 3 already and want a 4th and some people are there just wanting 1... I just have to move on from this and get into my hopeful mode. I'm also stressing about everything working. Retrieval and transfer are going to be the end of June and I am going to need Alex with me at retrieval and to take a few days off at transfer. I am hoping that it works out ok - Nic will help with Justin but William is going to need Alex here after I have surgery - I'll be all out of wack from the anesthesia and on pain killers and then after transfer I'll be on bedrest...I know it will work out, Alex and I always find a way to do it...

This is my story of Infertility.

I have 2 beautiful sons - 1 conceived through IVF and one natural. I am also currently pregnant and expecting my 2nd IVF miracle in August 2010.

I have a Handsome 14 year old that I had naturally. When I got married I threw out my birth control and got ready to get pregnant on my honeymoon. After almost a year we went to the Fertility Clinic at UCONN in CT. We found out the only way my husband and I could conceive was via IVF. In 2004 I gave birth to our first IVF miracle and in 2010 I will give birth to our 2nd IVF miracle.

Here is the story of our IVF attempts.

1st Attempt:

Born to be...

I was born to be a mom.
I have known this forever. I've always loved kids and always been able to calm babies even ones I don't know. I've had other jobs... waitress through high school and college, a teacher after my BA degree and then into the insurance field after my Masters.

The first time I held Nicholas after he was born this overwhelming peace and love came over me. This was my life, my job, my love, what I was born to do - be a mom!

I couldn't wait to have more children.

When Alex and I were married we set out to get pregnant right away - like on our honeymoon - no waiting for us! And nothing. We were devastated! And of course when you want something so badly, it felt like everyone around me was pregnant or had a new baby. You feel so happy for them and yet so sad for yourself. You just want to cry and never leave your bedroom. A woman's body was made to carry a baby and why couldn't I get pregnant? There was a huge sense of loss. We went to the Dr and had tests run and the problem was diagnosed.

Our only option for a baby was IVF. What? Me? who hated doctors, needles, was so modest was going to have to go to the doctors ALOT, have a ton of needles and shed my modesty for treatment. My heart was in my feet and there was a ton of why me crying. I was so terrified. I knew noone who had gone thru this. There was talk of surgery, egg retrieval, bed rest, classes on how to give shots, risks of ovary hyperstimulation, my eggs having Alex's sperm injected into them in a petri dish, implantation, odds of it working, the cost - $15,000.00 out of pocket as we did not have insurance to cover it. We had to take out a loan, I felt like we were paying off a car. All I wanted was a baby. It is suppose to be a simple process to get pregnant...but not for us...

What to tell family and friends. That was hard. You want support - but you don't want a call everyday asking if you are pregnant yet. Somedays you don't want to talk, all you want to do is cry. We chose the option that the IVF counselor suggested. Sit your family down and say that you are going to tell them something but they can't ask questions now or later. You will tell them what you want them to know now and fill them in with updates when you are able to. I think my family was in shock. My sister Kerri gave me GoodLUCK Bear - from the CAREBEARS that I took everywhere with me in my purse - my goodluck charm. I chose 1 friend to confide in and cry to...

After choosing IVF there are still more tests. Tons of blood work and internal checks to make sure everything is working right and measurements, so they know where to put in the embreyo's. There are classes on how to give shots, how to mix meds, how to draw up meds. There is a calender you must follow faithfully everyday. There are weekly Dr. appts to then daily Dr. appts. Internal ultrasound after internal ultrasound to check your ovaries and follicles and blood work every day to check levels. Shot after shot. Pill after pill. Once your estrogen levels level you give yourself yet another shot 36 hours exactly prior to retrieval. Retrieval is surgery - yes - under anestheisia sleeping. This was my first time under and I did not wake up well. When you wake up you ache so bad.

When you wake up they tell you how many eggs were in your follicles. We had 19 - which is a good #. The embreyologist then took my eggs and inserted one of Alex's sperm into each egg. They call the next day and tell you if you have any eggs that have started to develop. We had 17. I was so excited that meant we might have some to freeze - so much cheaper to do from a frozen embreyo then start all over again.

Transfer day. They transferred the embreyo's back into my uterus on day 3 and we were looking for 8 cell embreyos. This is again done in the surgical suite and Alex got to come in. I am laying on a table and they told us out of all those eggs we only had 1 that had delveloped to 8 cell and 2 that were so so. They suggested putting in all 3. Oh we were so disappointed, what had happened to all our eggs?

We put in all 3 eggs and home we went, me on bedrest. And the waiting began - 2 weeks until the 1st blood test. But oh we just weren't waiting. My body hadn't got pregnant normaly so that mean't shots. Sore awful progesterone shots with a huge needle in my butt muscle 2 x a day. That mean't sitting on a heating pad hoping the heating pad would disperse the thick oil. There were crying bouts, doubt this would work, hope it would work.

And then the day came. Blood taken and now at home with ALex waiting for the phone to ring. THey give you a time frame - we will call between 3 and 5. It was getting later and later and no call. I was convinced that they saved the no's till the end. Then the call. Kristen your test results are 67. Your next test is scheduled in 2 days. See they don't say Congratulations your pregnant yet - your # has to double for it to be a viable pregnancy. But we were super excited! To me I was pregnant and Alex and I hugged and cried! And then worry set in. Would the # double? Test # 2. The # doubled. YEA!! But we are still not sure. We needed the internal ultrasound. We waited until 4 weeks. We went to the office so... scared. Would there be a heartbeat? And there on the screen appeared the most beautiful blob with a healthy strong beating heart. That little itty bitty was our baby. We had been dreaming and hoping and praying for. Now, the doctor says CONGRATULATIONS!! Our IVF cycle was a success. We had beat the odds and got pregnant on our very 1st cycle!

June 10, 2004 I gave birth to my 2nd son. An amazing miracle. A beautiful angel to bless our family.

Alex and I are unusual, we are so lucky, many couples spend thousands upon thousands and their cycles do not work. But there are many woman out there who know they are also born to be mothers and are not ready to give up there dreams of a biological child. Woman who are going through infertility are struggling every day. We are so happy for you and your new baby and yet struggle to hold back tears for ourselves. We want to go to your babies christening, baptism, or blessing but we know it will tear us apart. We struggle and maybe make excuses not to come see your new baby. Oh we are so happy for you but oh so very sad for ourselves as that baby is what we yearn for more than anything in the world! IVF is not an easy process - not physically and certainly not mentally. But a process a lot of women choose because they want to be mothers.

2nd Attempt at IVF

Ever since Justin was born we have wanted to add to our family. But $$$$. I treasured every second with Justin afraid it was my last with a baby. All the old feelings surfaced of wanting a baby. Why couldn't I get pregnant? When I saw someone pregnant, I thought why not me. It's especially hard at anything to do with church. There are always multiple babies or pregnant woman and many with large families. Why not me? It was always my dream to have a huge family. Church made me so sad so often.

A series of events happened in our life. Alex got sick, his hours were cut at work, we moved, and then he found a new job (after tons of resumes and much praying). And...this new job had FERTILITY BENEFITS!!!!!!!!!!! What???? It was like in the midst of these horrible happenings Heavenly Father had answered our prayers - isn't it funny how it works that way sometimes? We just knew another baby was in store for us!

Benefits began in October and I was at the Doctor that month! The below is the protocol that I followed. After reading through it you will understand why the doctor gives you an excel spread sheet of meds. After you take each 1 you highlight it on the list. It's quite a list. At 1 point I was on 11 pills (some the same - just a few times a day) and multiple shots. During this time your emotions go up and down because of all the meds you are injesting or shooting into your body and just plain emotions of hoping this will work. During a lot of this time I hybernated - it was enough to try and feed my family and help Justin get HW done - life was on hold.

Here is the Protocol:

Met with Dr in Oct. Had tests done - lots of yucky ones, measuring of uterous,dye sent up, oil put in to help get pregnant, etc, etc. Started Prenatal vitamins, birth control to regulate period and started zocor to build up a cushy uterous.

Stopped Birth control on 10/29.

Had an ultasound on 11/2 to make sure ovaries clear and no cists. Starting now no lifting, pushing or pulling over 15 lbs.

Started 1 shot follistim on 11/3 added 2nd shot menopur on 11/5 and had ultrasound.

Started 3rd shot 11/7 and had an ultrasound and bloodwork. For the next 6 days continued meds with changes per what the daily bloodwork and ultrasounds showed. Ultrasounds are looking for follicles (this is were your eggs grow, the greater # of follicles the greater # of eggs. They are also looking at the rate of growth of the follicles. Bloodwork is checking for hormone levels - the shots are stimulating multiple follicles and preventing premature ovulation.

On 11/15 took my trigger shot at 930 pm exactly 36 hours prior to egg retrieval also started L-arginine to plump up lining of uterous. Was able to stop all other shots and started antibiotic for retrieval.

On 11/17 went in to surgery suite for my egg retrieval, this is done under sedation and is ultra sound guided. They go through your cervix to retrieve your eggs. After retrieval you must drink plenty of liquids gatorade is great to prevent hyperstimulation and you are on bed rest for the day. I woke up ok this time, but was so sore!! On percaset for pain. They were able to retrieve 10 eggs. They were able to fertilize 9 eggs.

11/18 took 2 shots of progesterone - ouch!!! and started estrogen patch. The embreyologist called today and all 9 eggs developing.

11/19 took 1 shot of progesterone, had to do 1 progesterone cream and added prednesone pill.

On 11/21 Embreyo transfer! They put 3 of our babies in. This doctor does the transfer on day 4 and we had 3 perfect 16 cell embreyos! In bed or chair resting for 4 days.

On 11/22 started lovenox - blood thinner shot to keep blood flowing and plump up uterous, baby asperin also makes a cushy uterous and folix acid pill. - Have to be careful not to fall.

On 12/2 at 9am 1st Pregnancy Blood Test and stopped Zocur. - A high #, could it be twins...

On 12/4 2nd pregnancy Blood test. - # almost doubled???

On 12/21 1st Ultrasound. - A blob and a healthy beating Heartbeat! But only 1 baby... we were a little sad as we were thinking it might be twins. But so happy to have at least 1!

On 12/28 2nd Ultrasound - stop L-arginine. - A beautiful beating heart!!!!

On 12/29 stop estrogen patch.

On 12/30 stop prednesone pill.

On 1/4 3rd Ultrasound. - A beautiful heartbeat and able to see brain developing and baby doing sumersaults.

On 1/11 transfer to regular OB.

On 1/12 stop Progesterone injection.

On 2/9 stop Progesterone cream

On 2/23 stop Lovenox and on 3/9 I will stop aspirin.

On August 10, 2009 or around there are 3rd precious miracle will be born!

This protocol was much more intense then when we did IVF with Justin. Things have changed in 5 years and they know more now...

How lucky and blessed were we that our 1st IVF cycle worked again! We are so truly blessed and so very thankful for a successful IVF cycle. Sitting in the waiting room women will sometimes talk and listen to some talk about this being their 3+ attempt is heartbreaking. I know that Heavenly Father loves these women and has a plan for them just as he does us.

We are so thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves us. We are so thankful that he knows that sometimes our bodies break and don't work perfect. We are so thankful that he helps Doctors and Scientists fix our bodies so that we can have and love his precious babies. We are so thankful that Heavenly Father trusts us to raise his babies and help them to develop into special young children and adults. We pray for all those couples who are going through this process that they may soon know the joy of holding the baby they've been dreaming of in their arms...