Born to be...

I was born to be a mom.
I have known this forever. I've always loved kids and always been able to calm babies even ones I don't know. I've had other jobs... waitress through high school and college, a teacher after my BA degree and then into the insurance field after my Masters.

The first time I held Nicholas after he was born this overwhelming peace and love came over me. This was my life, my job, my love, what I was born to do - be a mom!

I couldn't wait to have more children.

When Alex and I were married we set out to get pregnant right away - like on our honeymoon - no waiting for us! And nothing. We were devastated! And of course when you want something so badly, it felt like everyone around me was pregnant or had a new baby. You feel so happy for them and yet so sad for yourself. You just want to cry and never leave your bedroom. A woman's body was made to carry a baby and why couldn't I get pregnant? There was a huge sense of loss. We went to the Dr and had tests run and the problem was diagnosed.

Our only option for a baby was IVF. What? Me? who hated doctors, needles, was so modest was going to have to go to the doctors ALOT, have a ton of needles and shed my modesty for treatment. My heart was in my feet and there was a ton of why me crying. I was so terrified. I knew noone who had gone thru this. There was talk of surgery, egg retrieval, bed rest, classes on how to give shots, risks of ovary hyperstimulation, my eggs having Alex's sperm injected into them in a petri dish, implantation, odds of it working, the cost - $15,000.00 out of pocket as we did not have insurance to cover it. We had to take out a loan, I felt like we were paying off a car. All I wanted was a baby. It is suppose to be a simple process to get pregnant...but not for us...

What to tell family and friends. That was hard. You want support - but you don't want a call everyday asking if you are pregnant yet. Somedays you don't want to talk, all you want to do is cry. We chose the option that the IVF counselor suggested. Sit your family down and say that you are going to tell them something but they can't ask questions now or later. You will tell them what you want them to know now and fill them in with updates when you are able to. I think my family was in shock. My sister Kerri gave me GoodLUCK Bear - from the CAREBEARS that I took everywhere with me in my purse - my goodluck charm. I chose 1 friend to confide in and cry to...

After choosing IVF there are still more tests. Tons of blood work and internal checks to make sure everything is working right and measurements, so they know where to put in the embreyo's. There are classes on how to give shots, how to mix meds, how to draw up meds. There is a calender you must follow faithfully everyday. There are weekly Dr. appts to then daily Dr. appts. Internal ultrasound after internal ultrasound to check your ovaries and follicles and blood work every day to check levels. Shot after shot. Pill after pill. Once your estrogen levels level you give yourself yet another shot 36 hours exactly prior to retrieval. Retrieval is surgery - yes - under anestheisia sleeping. This was my first time under and I did not wake up well. When you wake up you ache so bad.

When you wake up they tell you how many eggs were in your follicles. We had 19 - which is a good #. The embreyologist then took my eggs and inserted one of Alex's sperm into each egg. They call the next day and tell you if you have any eggs that have started to develop. We had 17. I was so excited that meant we might have some to freeze - so much cheaper to do from a frozen embreyo then start all over again.

Transfer day. They transferred the embreyo's back into my uterus on day 3 and we were looking for 8 cell embreyos. This is again done in the surgical suite and Alex got to come in. I am laying on a table and they told us out of all those eggs we only had 1 that had delveloped to 8 cell and 2 that were so so. They suggested putting in all 3. Oh we were so disappointed, what had happened to all our eggs?

We put in all 3 eggs and home we went, me on bedrest. And the waiting began - 2 weeks until the 1st blood test. But oh we just weren't waiting. My body hadn't got pregnant normaly so that mean't shots. Sore awful progesterone shots with a huge needle in my butt muscle 2 x a day. That mean't sitting on a heating pad hoping the heating pad would disperse the thick oil. There were crying bouts, doubt this would work, hope it would work.

And then the day came. Blood taken and now at home with ALex waiting for the phone to ring. THey give you a time frame - we will call between 3 and 5. It was getting later and later and no call. I was convinced that they saved the no's till the end. Then the call. Kristen your test results are 67. Your next test is scheduled in 2 days. See they don't say Congratulations your pregnant yet - your # has to double for it to be a viable pregnancy. But we were super excited! To me I was pregnant and Alex and I hugged and cried! And then worry set in. Would the # double? Test # 2. The # doubled. YEA!! But we are still not sure. We needed the internal ultrasound. We waited until 4 weeks. We went to the office so... scared. Would there be a heartbeat? And there on the screen appeared the most beautiful blob with a healthy strong beating heart. That little itty bitty was our baby. We had been dreaming and hoping and praying for. Now, the doctor says CONGRATULATIONS!! Our IVF cycle was a success. We had beat the odds and got pregnant on our very 1st cycle!

June 10, 2004 I gave birth to my 2nd son. An amazing miracle. A beautiful angel to bless our family.

Alex and I are unusual, we are so lucky, many couples spend thousands upon thousands and their cycles do not work. But there are many woman out there who know they are also born to be mothers and are not ready to give up there dreams of a biological child. Woman who are going through infertility are struggling every day. We are so happy for you and your new baby and yet struggle to hold back tears for ourselves. We want to go to your babies christening, baptism, or blessing but we know it will tear us apart. We struggle and maybe make excuses not to come see your new baby. Oh we are so happy for you but oh so very sad for ourselves as that baby is what we yearn for more than anything in the world! IVF is not an easy process - not physically and certainly not mentally. But a process a lot of women choose because they want to be mothers.

Coming soon - The story of our 2nd IVF attempt...